It’s that time of year again… the leaves are starting to fall, there’s a crisp breeze floating through the New England air, and ladies all around Boston are putting back the first PSLs of the season. It’s hard to deny the sure signs that Fall is finally here. But Fall is also the time of year when 998 of your 1000 dearest friends on Facebook are posting back to school pics. Photos of their stir-crazy kids waiting anxiously for the bus with their brand new kicks and oversized backpacks. Holding chalkboard signs that say… I want to be a butcher when I grow up. (Wait, or is that just me?)
Well this year friends, I’ve decided I’m not going to let those little humans have all the fun. This year… I’m going back to school. Or just “to school” if you want to be precise. And I’m not talking about preschool, kindergarten, or first grade. No sir. Who has time for all that work? I’m setting my hopes high and starting at the top… I’m going straight to the IVY LEAGUE.
You might be wondering how such a homebody like me will manage to go away to college, but turns out there just happens to be a top-ranked, highly renowned, prestigious Ivy League university right here in Beantown. You may have seen it before in the movies... The Social Network, Good Will Hunting, or one of my all time favorites, Legally Blonde. The locals like to call it HAHVAHD UNIVERSITY.
Before I formally commit and sign my paw on the dotted line, I needed to check this place out. Just to make sure it’s not swarming with schmucks. So like all the other incoming students, I decided to take a tour of the campus. There was just one small problem with this plan. Turns out, Harvard University is a long three miles away from my apartment. Which meant I could either hoof it three whole miles (which I obviously did not want to do) or I could (gasp) ride the train. The stinky, noisy, dirty train filled with strange humans. Affectionately known around Boston as the “T”.
Well obviously I decided to take the T, because like I’ve said before, I hate exercise. More than I hate strange people. (Although in the spirit of full disclosure, it's a pretty close tie.)
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. No one ever said anything about stairs.
You want me to walk TOWARDS the gigantic hole?
How about I just sit back here, against the wall, and pretend like this isn't really happening.
So with a little coaxing from Mom, I set off on my first MBTA adventure known as riding the Red Line. It took every ounce of self control I had, plus constant nagging from Mom, to keep me from peeing on every square inch of that stinky silver car, but we finally made it all the way to Cambridge.
Must. Not. Smell. All the smells. So many smells.
To get the inside scoop from a real Harvardian, I decided to go on the notorious The Hahvahd Tour. The tour starts in Harvard Square and is led by real life Harvard students wearing ridiculous hats. Our comical tour guide, Cormac, happened to be a junior economics major. So right away I knew I wouldn't understand a word he said, but he seemed nice and promised to keep the walking to a minimum, so I decided to give him a try.
Here I am listening carefully to every word Cormac says... as I scope out all the targets, I mean... trees, in Harvard Yard.
The first stop on the tour is Harvard Yard. So imagine nine grown adults plus one extremely mature pup (me) led by our fearless guide Cormac roaming around the oldest university in America. Did you know Harvard was founded in 1636? That’s 380 years ago. Or 2,660 dog years ago! Back then Boston Terriers didn’t even exist. Which is the only logical explanation for why the Harvard mascot isn’t a Boston Terrier like me. Because we all know Boston Terriers are the quintessential American Gentleman and the namesake of this great town. So IF we were around back then, we would've been the obvious choice. And what the hell is a Crimson anyway? (Harvard, if you’re reading this, I’m available to be your mascot for a small fee which can be paid daily in bacon, which I assume you can afford judging from the size of your endowment.)
Snuck this shot in before Mom noticed... here's my legacy gift to you, Harvard Yard.
Next the tour led us to this impressive bronze statue of John Harvard, the college's greatest benefactor and namesake, which was sculpted by Daniel Chester French. The inscription on the statue reads: JOHN HARVARD - FOUNDER - 1638. Which is short, and sweet, and completely false. As I mentioned earlier, the college was founded in 1636 (not 1638) and NOT by John Harvard. And since lies only get better with time, turns out the man in this statue is not even John Harvard at all, because no one knows what John Harvard actually looked like. But if we all just agree to pretend this is John Harvard, no one will really care. Like if we all just agree to pretend I didn't copy and paste excerpts from U.S. presidential speeches for my admissions essay, no one will be the wiser. #HonorCode
Did you know Harvard students like to pee on John Harvard's foot, then unsuspecting tourists rub his toe for good luck? This sounds like my kind of scheme.
What do you say Harvard? How about we make an honest college out of ya, and replace this statue with a bust of the best looking Boston Terrier to ever grace your campus with his presence... ME. The one and only, BACON. I've already decided my inscription would read:
BACON THE BOSTON - GREATEST FARTER - 2016
Here I am outside the Widener Library which Cormac says is the largest academic library in America #winning
Sadly during the tour, I realized my idea to go to Harvard was actually not that original. In fact, 37,305 people had the same exact idea just last year and only 5% of them were actually accepted. I am, however, fairly certain I'm the only DOG that wants to apply, which I'm confident will set me apart from all of the other highly qualified applicants. Yay, affirmative action. I also do a lot of "community service" to pad my resume. So I'd say my odds are looking pretty good.
Wait, you spend how much time in the library?? So... when do you nap?
While the chances of getting into Harvard seem slim, it’s a pretty well known fact that being accepted can change the course of your life forever. Just consider how it worked out for 8 of Harvard’s previous alumni - John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Rutherford B. Hayes, Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, JFK, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama - who later became U.S. Presidents. (For comparison, poor Yale only graduated 5 U.S. presidents, it’s kind of pathetic.)
But if spending four years or your life reading the classics and cramming for finals seems like a drag, Cormac filled me in on a great Harvard secret. Turns out you can also get a big boost in your career if you DROP OUT of Harvard. Just like Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, or Matt Damon. These guys never even graduated and look how successful they turned out. It's the perfect solution for a lazy dog like me. This Harvard place has really piqued my interest.
Here I am with my trusted tour guide, Cormac, scheming about how to start school than immediately drop out and make millions.
Don't I make this Harvard crest look good?
As THE HAHVAHD TOUR came to an end along with Cormac's cheesy jokes, I decided this historical, prestigious university was truly something special. So I made a careful, calculated decision to rush over to the The Harvard Shop and immediately buy myself a "Future Freshman" t-shirt since I pretty much have this acceptance thing in the bag.
Nose up, looking distinguished. Saving this shot for when I parlay this college thing into a future presidency. Or a billion dollar company.
CLASS OF 2020... HERE I COME!
Now friends… all I need to do is raise $63,025 a year. Who’s with me??
#SendBacontoHarvard #kickstarter #gofundme
