Now that I’ve been living in Beantown for a few months and the steamy summer weather is starting to cool down, Mom says I can no longer get away with being the new pup in town and hide in my apartment all day like a loner (insert eye roll here). She says I need to get out there and make some new Boston furiends. I say… why? But I’ve picked up some wisdom over the past few years, and when Mom asks if you want to do something, turns out you don’t really have any say in the matter. And so the dreaded search for new friends began...
Do I look excited or what?
It’s not that I dislike other pups, it’s just that I like them more from a distance. And I don’t particularly like to go out of my way to meet them. And by go out of my way, I mean… leave my apartment. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older (remember my 7th birthday?) or maybe it’s my usual grouchy demeanor, but I prefer to make friends from the comfort of my own home where I can nap and snack and watch Homeland marathons on Hulu. Just ask all my amazing Instagram friends (follow me @realbacontheboston). #furiends4ever
But lately, my parents have been dragging me outside against my will and shuffling me around the city to sniff butts left and right. Since I’ve been socializing for a few weeks now, I thought I would share a few pro tips in case you move to a big city like Boston and get suckered into making new friends like me. You can thank me later.
To help illustrate my secrets to socializing like a BOSS-ton, I’ll share a few photos of my recent trip to the South End.
Who wouldn't want to be friends with this face?
1. Crash a party. Or a meetup. Or whatever. Have zero shame. Walk in with your chin up, your mean mug out, and your tail wagging from side to side like you truly belong. By the time you're inside the door (or the gate in my case) there’s not much anyone can say to keep you out. Take for example, the time I crashed that French Bulldog meet up at the dog park in Peter’s Park...
Once you're in, stay cool and act normal.
Oh hey Frenchie... funny meeting you here.
Or how about the time I went to see my new friend @MannytheFrenchie at Boston Red Dog Pet Resort & Spa to raise money for Last Hope K9 Rescue. I was the only non-bulldog in attendance, but did that stop me? No sir. Cause sometimes you just have to suck it up and be the odd pup out.
Do I look like a Frenchie? Kind of. Do I act like a Frenchie? Kind of. Am I a Frenchie? Absolutely not. But there's not as many Boston Terriers in Boston as I expected, or at least I haven't been able to sniff 'em out yet. So for now, I'll keep crashing these Frenchie soirees. Turns out, in a room full of Frenchies running around, snorting, and breathing real heavy, I can fly under the radar long enough to win a few hearts and pick up a few phone numbers.
2. Feign interest. Whenever you meet new pups, keep this in mind... other pups love to talk about themselves. And they really love when you pretend to be interested in their long boring stories. Remember that time Mac ran away, and lived under the Longfellow Bridge for three whole days before he got so hungry he hitchhiked home with that sweet sophomore from Boston College? #epic How about that time Stewie ate an entire lobstah roll at last year's clam bake just to see the look on his mom's face, then proceeded to vomit all over her new Persian rug? That was a classic.
You’re not a puppy, you’ve heard all these tall tales before. But when you meet a new potential friend, the trick is to pretend like he’s telling the greatest story of all time. I’ve found the best way to feign interest is by making dramatic facial expressions. And when it comes to your reactions, you cannot overdo it. So go big, or go home.
You did what?? #MindBlown
3. Don’t be afraid to try new things. It’s a sad day when you realize not every pup in this world likes the things you like, or believes the things you believe. (Prime example = vegans). And there’s a good chance in the process of making new friends, you’ll find some pups that have some pretty strange interests. For instance, as you all know, I love bacon. And not just because it’s my namesake, but because it’s a proven fact bacon is paws down the most delicious, perfect food on this planet. So if I had to choose a treat, 10 out of 10 times, bacon would be my answer. (For the record, all other cured meats would be an acceptable substitute if God forbid bacon was not available… just in case you’re considering sending me treats.)
But these East Coast dogs do things a little differently. A few weeks ago, I went to the South End Farmers Market at Ink Block to meet some new pups. It was hot as hell that day, so I skipped the small talk and headed straight for the 2 Dogs Treats tent. Must have been my good looks because these ladies were giving me treats left and right… chicken treats, and turkey treats, and beef treats, oh my. But you know what they tried to give me next?? FISH SKINS.
What the hell is that scaly thing??
Apparently, dogs from New England eat fish skins like dogs from the Midwest eat bacon. I was skeptical at first, but after a few thorough sniffs, I gave those salty, silvery fish skins a try. And you know what, they’re surprisingly good. I’m not ready to change my name to Atlantic Polluck, but I’d definitely eat a few more of those skins. And since I was willing to try their strange New England treats, I’m pretty sure those lovely ladies fell for my salty charm.
*For the record, when I say be open to trying new things, I do not mean you have to be friends with vegans. That's just absurd.
FISH SKINS! Come get ya fish skins!
3. Avoid awkward eye contact. Eye contact is a difficult skill to master when you’re trying to make new friends because you have to find just the right amount. No eye contact and you’re weird. Too much eye contact and you’re instantly creepy. If you don’t believe me, just ask any woman in the entire world. They all know this is true. Let's be honest, the likelihood of you nailing the appropriate amount of eye contact is pretty slim. So you have to make a choice. Would you rather be weird or would you rather be creepy? That’s what I thought. Therefore, as a general rule, I avoid all eye contact with strangers and I recommend you do the same. Problem solved.
Must not look directly at you, Frenchie.
Rule 5. Know your squad. Last but certainly not least, know your squad. In other words, know who you are and what you like. If you hate running like me and anything longer than a brief game of fetch is your own personal hell, then I would shy away from the endurance types (sorry, Salukis). Or if you prefer 23 hours of your day be filled with peace, quiet, and serenity, I would stay away from the bouncy, yappy types (so long, Chihuahuas and Pomeranians). If you prefer to be surrounded by the fresh scent of spring in the air, I would stay away from the flat nose types like myself, because well, we come with our own special scent. And if you prefer to not be surrounded by pups either half your size or twice your size, then I’d aim for friends who fall right in the middle, just like me. That way, you’ll always know exactly where you stand. Literally.
Not too big, not too small... just the right size.
Well friends… those are some of my best secrets for socializing like a BOSS-ton. After outlining all of my strategies for you, this making new friends business actually sounds like a lot of work. On second thought, maybe I’ll just stick with meeting friends online… Does anyone know of any great networking sites for lovable, handsome, stinky dogs like me? I’ve been finalizing my profile…
My ideal mates should like eating cured meats and taking very short walks, preferably downhill. You should like heavy panting and snorting, occasional farting, erratic behavior, excessive licks to the face and little to no eye contact. But… if I like you, I might let you sniff my butt.
What do you say Boston? Can we be friends?
Find Bacon online and become friends instantly at:
- Instagram: @realbacontheboston
- Twitter: @bacontheboston
- Email: bacontheboston@gmail.com